The Talk: How I explained my son’s Autism diagnosis to him

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My youngest child and I finally had “The Talk”. I had recently sensed that it was imminent, I knew that it was crucial, and I also had conflicting feelings about it. Many parents of children with special needs know what “Talk” I mean, and it’s not “The Birds and the Bees”. During this “Talk”, for the first time, my child and I discussed the fact that he that has a form of Autism.

My son is six-and-a-half years old and has a dramatic personality. Everything he feels, good and bad, he feels on a large scale. We jokingly call it “not boring”. He has an inquisitive mind, a huge smile, and a great sense of humor. I could go on and on listing positive adjectives to describe him. He also happens to have a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, what some might call Asperger’s Syndrome. Autism is not the sole defining characteristic of who he is, but it is an important part of who he is. At first glance people may not realize that he falls on the Autism Spectrum, and since he is verbal and mainstreamed some have assumed that he must not face any real challenges. They don’t realize that although he can keep up with his peers academically, he often struggles to relate to them socially. They don’t see the times he gets frustrated or feels left out when interacting with his classmates. They don’t see him fighting to concentrate, or how he vacillates between both sensory-seeking and sensory-avoiding behavior. They also don’t see how Autism has an impact on him and our family life every single day, and how it presents both blessings and challenges. That being said, I am well aware that our situation is very different from families affected by more severe Autism. They have their own set of challenges, which at times seems to dwarf those of my family. But the truth remains that in our house we also face challenges. All families face challenges, whether their children are Neurotypical or not.

My heart overflows with love for my darling boy, my baby. I am proud of him and not ashamed that he has a diagnosis of Autism. I am sad that he has moments of struggle, but I admire his individuality and passion. He has a unique perspective on the world and helps me see things in new ways. He can talk and talk seemingly nonstop about subjects such as Thomas the Tank Engine, or, more recently, Pokémon. But he often struggles when asked to use his own words to describe how he feels, or why he feels that way. Self-understanding and expression is a work in progress for him. He has only recently become able to recognize and articulate his awareness that many things that seem to come easily to his peers he seems to find difficult. I knew that very soon the time would come when I would need to explain to my son the reason behind some of those struggles. I also knew I had to be very careful with my words and how I presented Autism. I had to be very careful with my words and how I presented Autism. Society still attaches a great deal of stigma to any sort of disability, or even to simply being different (I don’t feel that way, but society often does). I didn’t want him to see himself as flawed, or view his diagnosis as restrictive, limiting his expectations of what he could achieve in life. I did not want the truth to be damaging. I wanted it to be illuminative and empowering. I hoped that having knowledge of his Autism Spectrum Disorder would improve his understanding of how his brain works and help him be more patient with himself. I hoped it would help him learn coping mechanisms so that he can better deal with frustration, distraction, and anxiety. I hoped that he would be able to tap into the unique way that his brain processes information and use it to accomplish great things. An additional hope was that, as he grew, it would help him have a greater sensitivity and acceptance towards others around him who may also be facing struggles of their own.

The day we had “The Talk” was just like any other day; a day that happened to have the subject of Autism present itself in a teachable moment. I was on the computer and my son entered the room. He noticed one of those sidebar ads that pop up based on keywords (in this case, “Autism”), and a picture of a young boy caught his eye. “What’s that?” he asked. “It’s a little boy,” I replied. “No,” he persisted, “what does it say?” My pulse quickened and something inside me said, “It’s time.” I answered him, “Autism Resources,” and I felt the weight of the words as they exited my mouth and hung there heavily in the room, waiting to be fully revealed. He thought for a moment, and then asked the question that I had long expected, “What is… AUTISM?”

I took a deep breath, and everything seemed to freeze. It was almost as if I was outside the situation, looking in, knowing the importance of what was about to happen and that it would change our lives forever. I had prepared exactly what I wanted to say, yet I still felt my heart pound and my throat tighten. I was keenly aware that the manner in which I presented this information would be crucial. In the next few moments I had the power to hurt, or help, his self esteem.

I looked into my son’s beautiful face and began to speak, “Autism is a way that some people’s brains are wired. It may make them think or feel a little differently than other people. It may also make it difficult to concentrate if there is noise around, or make it hard to eat foods with certain textures, or might make someone want to chew on things that aren’t food. They might have trouble calming down if they get really excited, or need to walk in circles. They might even get REALLY upset if they are playing a game and don’t win.”

By that point my heart was thumping so hard it felt like it was battering against my ribcage, trying to be set free from the confines of my chest. I had been describing specific ways that Autism affected my son. I wondered if he was self-aware enough for any of it to sound familiar. I then asked the big question, one that I hadn’t planned, not sure how he would respond, “Do these things sound like anyone you know?”

“Yes,” my son replied, but then stared silently at the wall. “Who?” I asked him. He paused, looking a bit unsure. But then he gave a little half-smirk, and replied, “Me.”

With a mixture of sadness and relief I reached out and gave my child a reassuring hug. I told him, “I love you so much and am so very proud of you. You are smart and good and funny. Autism just explains why sometimes things feel difficult for you, why you might get so frustrated, and why you have an extra teacher come help you at school. But Autism not only causes you some frustrations, it also makes you unique. It helps you have an amazing memory. Even when you were very little I could read a book to you and you would have the whole thing memorized after just hearing it once.” He seemed pleased to hear that.

I pondered what else to say, and added, “Autism affects people different ways.” I then stressed to him, “Different isn’t bad, it’s just different.” He started to walk away, and I called out to his back, “Do you have any questions?”, but he was already gone.

I sat there, alone, stunned and a bit surprised. It had finally happened. I had thought the conversation would take longer, but apparently my child had heard all he needed to. I wondered if I did it right. I wondered if he got it, or if he felt sad, confused, or overwhelmed. I felt a strong urge to cry. A few minutes later my oldest, the sensitive caretaker of a big brother, came into the room with a concerned look on his face. He exclaimed, “Mommy! He said ‘Autism’!” I reassured him, “It’s okay. He asked about it after seeing the word.” “Oh good,” he sighed, “I was worried he heard you say it to someone else. You told me you weren’t going to tell him yet.” “Well,” I replied, “the opportunity came up, and I thought he was ready.”

We walked downstairs together, protective big brother and I, to continue the conversation. We approached my unique, creative, exuberant boy; a boy who is also Autistic. “What did you tell your brother?” I asked, as he sat at the kitchen table and occupied himself with a roll of Playdoh. He didn’t look up from his work, and replied nonchalantly, “I have Autism. And it means that your brain works a little bit different than other people. But different doesn’t mean bad. Different just means different.”

Tears filled my eyes as I hugged my son tight. I think he gets it.

Click here to read a follow-up post about how I explained Autism to my son’s 1st grade classmates:  https://seriouslynotboring.com/2013/05/15/the-star/

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19 thoughts on “The Talk: How I explained my son’s Autism diagnosis to him

  1. Linda Moore February 3, 2013 / 4:41 AM

    oh my goodness. i am crying. this is beautiful Jennifer, simply beautiful. i want to give you a big hug and those boys even bigger hugs. what a testimony to how the little one gets it, the big one is protective, and how you have been a mother. what a gift. he gets it because of you. he is protective because of you. i think he has said my most favorite phrase i will take with me, “different just means different.” love this. love you.

    Like

    • Jennifer Bittner February 3, 2013 / 4:48 AM

      Thank you so much, Linda! I have always appreciated your support and insights. And thank you for being my first official commenter!

      Like

  2. Dar February 3, 2013 / 5:18 PM

    You handled that beautifully. Your boys are gifts! I thnk sometimes people only see the disability label and not how wonderful and amazing the kids are. Every child keenly feels their differences in school environments whether it be a learning disability or Autism and as parents it’s hard at times to know how to proceed and keep our children’s self esteem intact. I also hate the term disability because it is negative and these kids are pretty incredible!

    Like

  3. Sarah August 4, 2013 / 12:28 PM

    Hi Jen, we have an 11 year old son who is high functioning autistic and have struggled desperately to find the words to explain his diagnosis. I just wanted to say your eloquent piece helped us tremendously and thank you. He took it in his stride much like your son appears to have done.
    Regards, Sarah

    Like

    • Jen February 6, 2014 / 4:50 PM

      Sarah, I have recently returned to blogging and I just want to say thank you for your kind words. I wish you well on this journey!

      Like

  4. Full Spectrum Mama November 22, 2014 / 6:46 PM

    Waaah. Totally beautiful. Exactly.
    *I* am about to have “the talk,” second version (“Birds and bees”) with my guy…How time flies!

    Like

    • Jennifer (Seriously Not Boring) November 22, 2014 / 7:09 PM

      I need to do THAT talk soon too. Ugh. THAT one seems harder!
      And thanks. Thought you might find this interesting as well. https://seriouslynotboring.com/2013/05/15/the-star/ The past two years I have been able to share with my son’s class about his kind of Autism. It has gone really well.
      “How do I tell classmates about Autism” is the most common topic that brings people to my blog. It makes me so happy that the post seems to be helping others, too.

      Like

  5. Momof7yo February 12, 2015 / 11:27 PM

    Our 7-year-old son has always had social difficulties, although he is very, very bright. He was recently moved into a new 2nd grade classroom after having nightmares about another teacher who often yelled at him in class, treated his behaviors as purposeful, and punished him by making him stand with his nose against the wall). He’s intellectually gifted, so this teacher treated him as if he were acting out on purpose. Our sweet, funny, charming, affectionate, happy-go-lucky kid became miserable, didn’t want to go to school, and felt that he could never do anything right.

    His new 2nd grade teacher (who I adore) just told us we should have him assessed for Aspergers. I thought my heart would stop when she said it. And, then everything seemed to click into place. Why he can never remember faces and names. Why he doesn’t seem to understand that other people don’t want to be hugged or touched all the time. Why he can’t remember that people need personal space. Why he doesn’t get playground “politics.” Why he can’t remember to put on his shoes and socks and coat in the morning, but he can remember the exact color and location of every piece of Lego he owns when he wants to build something new. Why his emotions overwhelm him so often and he erupts at school in fear or anger. Why he tells me “I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.”

    One of the things he has learned in the last year is that he is a kid with a big imagination and big emotions, and often they just get the better of him. He has articulated that he wants help and wished he had a tools to understand and control his emotions and actions better. We are starting the evaluation process and hoping this gives him what he needs.

    Thank you for your blog.

    Like

  6. This comment gave me ALL the feelings. I wish I could hug you right now. Thank you so much for sharing, but I am so sorry your wonderful son had to go through so much. What a relief to have a caring teacher AND to get some answers! There are a lot of resources out there that can help, please let me know if you would like some tips in finding them!

    By the way, some of the things you said reminded me of this post.
    https://seriouslynotboring.com/2013/04/14/in-his-own-world/

    Hang in there, mamma. I wish you both the BEST. He is lucky to have such a caring advocate as together you find the best way to help him thrive.

    Like

  7. Momof7yo February 13, 2015 / 9:22 AM

    Thank you so very much! I read that post before this one, and it sounded like him our son to a T. And, I appreciate that you focus on how your son’s different-ness makes him amazing (I really loved your post about explaining autism to your son’s class on his birthday). We also feel that our son is amazing because of his differences, not in spite of them. 🙂

    All of our our son’s teachers since pre-school have commented that they haven’t ever met a kid like him – very, very smart and loving, and also intensely emotional and unaware of social cues. They couldn’t understand how he could be empathetic, kind and insightful in one moment, and then screaming and sobbing the next. One of our good friend’s moms describe him as a newly hatched chick – it wouldn’t even occur to him to be cruel and he assumes the world and everyone in it is friendly, but he is easily wounded.

    We’ve had such a hard time figuring why things haven’t clicked for him. Although I was floored when his teacher mentioned autism, it also felt like a window of hope had opened. That, finally, we would get some answers and perhaps some ideas of how to support him. The fact that he sees himself as different, and is asking for help, means that he will be motivated. And, of course, we won’t be changing our message that all the things that make him different are also what make him AMAZING. His incredibly detailed drawings, his original thinking and curiosity, his insights into how objects work and move, and his extreme kindness and empathy – especially toward his 2 year old sister (whom he absolutely adores). We wouldn’t change any of that about him.

    I will be visiting your blog often – you have great resources and a great perspective. It’s really nice to have found you!

    Like

  8. Vickie December 10, 2015 / 4:32 AM

    Unfortunately I can’t “like” this twice 🙂 (I liked it before 🙂 ) – I remember reading this and loving it. It was worth the second read and a second share.

    Like

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