On Monday I have my very first deadline for my very first article for the Special-needs blog at parents.com. I also have performance anxiety. And Pinkeye, but that is a whole other thing.
I intended to have this article written several weeks earlier. I even started it a month ago. But then I had a sick kid, sick ME, the start of Autism Acceptance month, sick kid again, class parties (I was a sucker and volunteered to be room mom), Easter, Spring Break, sick kid again again, loss of a loved one and subsequent arrangements and gatherings, sick ME again (with pinkeye that I caught taking the sick kid to the doctor)… and on and on. You get the drift. Basically, LIFE.
When I woke up today I was EXHAUSTED. It was the very first day in three weeks that I felt like I could sit and catch my breath. Except that I have a pile of laundry, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a house in otherwise total disarray. And then I realized that if I want to get any feedback from the editor, before my article is due on Monday, I have to finish it today so she can read it before she goes home for the weekend.
I really want her feedback because I feel an immense amount of self-imposed pressure to write the Best. Article. EVERRRR.
I was thrilled when I was offered the opportunity to have an occasional featured post on the Parents website. It was exactly what I had hoped for and had been working towards. Then about an hour later I was absolutely terrified. Terrified that I wouldn’t be good enough, and that people might laugh at me because there are other writers out there that are better than me. I worried I would make grammatical mistakes and look foolish. Most of all, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to think of anything to write, or that the words I did write wouldn’t be worth reading.
Why do we punish ourselves so much with self-doubt? And why is it, even when we have an opportunity in front of us that we find incredibly exciting, we are so willing to let all the other mess of life get in the way of accomplishing our goals?
Oh, and why is it that I have been inspired to write SEVERAL posts this week that are thoughtful and compelling (if I do say so myself), but still can’t finish the one I most want to do???
ENOUGH, I say. I’m going to go grab another cup of coffee and then I’m going to write.
I am going to finish that article. I am also going to have to trust that, even though it will NOT be the “best article ever,” somehow it WILL make the world a better place.
My words matter, because they come from my heart.
Wish me luck!
(Image is of a coffee cup, pen, and paper. All are shrouded in shadow. Just like my thoughts.)
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